There are many reasons why you should never consider anything you purchase an investment. When your kids become mobile there will always be a mess, but no one ever tells you that there will also be mass destruction. This week, we purchased a brand new $1,000 dishwasher, due to our grandson attempting to figure out how to take our current dishwasher apart. Well, needless to say he figured it out, then he brought his cousin into the fun fest. Yup, good times, expensive times, and kill me times. You see being a grandparent is wonderful, until the wallet raping hovers and blood sucking leaches come over. We love them anyway. This is part of the reason we laugh at you, because we know that you have no idea.
Things That Will Never Outlive Your Children
1. Pretty much anything you love
Anything you place value on, your children will place zero value on. Why? Well, they did not have to pay for it. When you do not have to work for it, the item in question has no value, so whatevs.
2. Your Walls
Do any of you enjoy painting and decorating? Why did I bother, will be the question you will ask yourself one day, over and over and over again. All the while knowing full well your child was going to use the wall for his/her newest art project. However, was it really their fault? Probably not. How long did you turn your head? Two minutes? Three minutes? News flash my lovelies…it takes a toddler seconds to destroy your walls. Our grandchildren thought that a beautiful painting on our closet walls was the best way to show their talent. Actually, I think they are quite talented. Now let’s see how talented the parents are at fixating this. Hahaha
3. Your appliances
Well, like I said a $1,000 dishwasher, but I didn’t tell you about the $3,000 refrigerator. Oh yes, the fridge. They broke that too. The ice maker is toast my friends. Grandma and Grandpa just giggle, not because we have to pay $3,000, but because we know that soon it will be you paying for this. When purchasing appliances…buy inexpensive. Trust us. You will thank us later!
4. Your Furniture
People ask us all the time, “Do your cats ruin your furniture?” We laugh when we are asked this. Why, you ask? Well, it happens to be the kids and grandkids that destroy the furniture, and they don’t even have claws. Spills here, tears there, and let us not forget how much fun jumping can the bed can be. How about Papa’s favorite recliner? Well, that has a random toy shoved into it somewhere and the button has been pushed so many times, that it fails to work now.
5. Your vehicles
Forget the toddlers…lets jump right into the teenage years. Listen, if you think that toddlers can be destructive, you haven’t seen anything yet! Toddlers are just tiny teens gearing you up for what is to come. That moment the toddler wrecks the Barbie Jeep, or Corvette that cost you hundreds of dollars, right? Shaking your head at that thought yet, or perhaps you have experienced it? I laugh at toddler destruction because, the best is yet to come. Just you wait until you have spent thousands on a real vehicle. Oh you’ll pretend to worry that your child is okay, but obviously they are calling you so they are breathing. I am not going to lie. Your first thought is going to be, “Well, that is just wonderful. I wonder how bad she/he damaged the vehicle.” Your next thought will be that you hope it is not totaled, or if you’ve actually purchased gap insurance.
6. Your Bank Account/Wallet
This one pretty much speaks for itself. Once you have kids you will be broke. All of the time, not just some of the time. You will always think you have a few pennies to your name and then…BAM! The kiddos slap you with an emergency bill, a car accident, or heaven forbid a law suit from another parent. Oh yes, young parents, you have much to look forward to. Have you ever heard the phrase, “If you wait to have children until you have money, then you will never have them?” Now you know why this is true. Even if you have money set aside the little wallet raping hoovers will suck you dry. As grandparents, we laugh in your face, and hope you don’t ask us for money. You see, my dears, we know you’ll ask. It doesn’t end when your children move on and raise their own family.
7. Your Body
Okay men, this includes you. If you think woman are the only ones that get the proverbial “mom body” you are mistaken. We woman get to wear the everlasting love of carrying the little monsters, but you men get to wear our cravings as well. Let’s not forget the part, where one day your kids will drive you to drink. That beautiful beer belly is stunning on you. I use to use my body as hope for birth control. I would tell my kids, while grabbing a handful of stretched out skin, “you did this, so don’t have kids.” That didn’t work either. Just saying, if you like your hot bod, then you should enjoy it while it lasts.
8. Your Cell Phone
This, in truth, is why we have given our kids their own phones. I was tired of them ruining mine. Dropping it, tossing it, and getting it wet are a favorite pastime among your little ones. Be warned young parents, the cell phone of their own is just a trap. They will destroy those too. Get the insurance, it is worth its weight in gold.
9. Your TVs
Nothing better than your toddler banging on your 4K smart T.V. Hahaha that’s what you think. Of course there is. How about when it is your grandchild? It is a never ending cycle of destruction. Be warned young parents. Ensure that you anchor that beautiful television down, before you end up with a toddler pancake. Again, toddlers are just miniature teenagers. Just envision the destruction from that gaming remote your teen throws at the television. It is a lovely thought isn’t it? Reserve purchasing expensive televisions. You’ll just get your ass handed to you in the form of your clumsy, tantrum having, uncaring, and unobservant children.
10. Your Patience
Your little snot muffins will try your patience to the point of making you insane, filled with anxiety, drive you to depression, and can make you feel like a failing parent. News flash…you are every parent. None of us got through this unscathed. It is work. These little humans will try you like no other. Whether you believe in spankings, time outs, or both. There will always be some form of punishment to test you even more. Your patience will be tested to its breaking point. So, if you lose your cool, know that you are not alone. No one ever said parenting was easy, simple, or without its challenges. In fact, it is the hardest job I have ever had. Some of us even look forward to getting away, and that is okay too. Spend some time on yourself. Go get a massage, a pedicure, get some retail therapy, or anything else that is a legal form of pleasure for you. Your mental health is important too, and you need to get happy for them. If you feel guilty about doing something for yourself, then you may begin to resent your children and your spouse. So, put it on your calendar. Give yourself permission to have a mommy or daddy day.
I know that there are some parents out there, who are judging right now. Go right ahead. Judge away. Those of you who don’t have any of these issues, and think that you are God’s gift to parenting, or that your child could do no wrong…Your parents are laughing at you too. Why? We know. We know what is coming for you, and since you are oblivious in your self-righteous state of mind, we might actually be waiting for the ball to drop. Then, we can say that we told you so. No parent is immune from the life destruction of children. It will come and when it does, little Cyclone Chrissy, Hurricane Hebert, Typhoon Todd, and Earthquake Ellen, will still need your love and guidance. It will happen because, children at any age need to learn and they will make mistakes. How you react, and use these actions as a teaching/learning tool is how you allow them to grow and improve. Don’t be blind to it, expect it, so that when it occurs you are prepared. Expect the worst, be prepared for the best, and hope that you will have the answers and love they need to get through it.